"as your shadow crosses mine, what it takes to come alive" -rihanna

i am having such a great time in st. louis. it is so great to see my dear friend jessica, her husband sammy and their beautiful children cameron and chase. i have been sleeping in, eating delicious foods and laughing   till i snort a little bit.

on my way here, (they live in wentzville, mo to be exact which is about 45 mins from st. louis) i stopped at an amazing raw vegan restaurant. i drove through the elaborate washington university medical center area, which seemed vast and vibrant. down a little side street, plenty of parking...and there it was. pura vegan.  it was fantastic! just what i needed after a day of driving and gas station potato chips.

the staff was welcoming and friendly. i had the 'green machine' smoothie, which was perfect.

it was a lovely break from driving all day. i found pura vegan to be a great dining experience. it was ridiculously clean. i mean, immaculate! it really added to the notion of clean food.

i ordered the 'rawfredo pasta'. it was zucchini 'pasta noodles', spinach, mushrooms in a cashew cream sauce. it was amazing! exactly what i needed.

the place is a bit pricey, but it is an investment in your health.  i mean, you can pay now or you can pay later? ya know what i am saying? they have a yoga studio attached to it....if i lived around here, this would be my jam. for sure.

then on friday, jessica's parents, dick and linda came over with indian food from raj's rasoi. it is a great vegetarian indian place with many vegan options. i had picked up some 'so delicious' coconut ice cream at whole foods earlier in the day to cool us off. i always have faith in that ice cream. everyone loves it.....and can never believe it isn't dairy. i had every intention of photographing this, but got so caught up in our lively discussions that i simply forgot! 

i feel like i have been eating indian left overs since i got here. no complaining from me! if i must die, can it be from drowning in a vat of some spicy, saucy indian dish? i had a snack yesterday of a 'cheese' quesadilla with a new alt cheese and a gluten-free tortilla i picked up from whole foods. sad trombone---they were both terrible. the cheese might be allllright, but that tortilla, whoa! help the gluten sensitive peeps out here and get them some better food. that shit sucks. i feel grateful that i don't have an intolerance. back to wheat tortillas for me. yikes!

i hope for some dance video shooting opportunities today and maybe some home cooked meals while a baby crawls at me feet. yes please.

"if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad"-sheryl crow

my last day of work was january 24, 2012. it can best be described as intensely beautiful. so many people came up to me to tell me that they think what i am doing is wonderful, that they wish me the best. the most common statement is said with this bizarre longing 'do it now, while you can'. so many people say that. then perhaps, they rattle off a laundry list of why they can NOT do something similar to what i am doing. i know that i have the ideal scenario to explore the world (it was a major factor in the decision making process) having no real ties to one area. i don't have a mortgage and i don't have children. however, i want it to be known, spread the message far and wide, that you too can do this. anyone can. follow your heart. although it is a misnomer that it is like 'running away'. actually, it really is complicated trying to dismantle this life, but fear not, it can be done! with some organization, meticulous planning and thousands of hand-written lists, you too can make changes in your life. speaking of the lists, they are never ending. i now am making lists for my lists.....i have now succumbed to the idea: there will always be a million things to do. always.

the entire day was really intense. so much for sailing out of there? i actually had a good amount of work to do and i really didn't want to have to dump that off on to someone else. i was so impressed by the random people who contributed money. people donated instruments. said kind words. i felt like it was my birthday, i was getting so much attention. while i didn't always (or maybe ever) love my job, i realized how much i came to love the people. i came to realize that my team had become my own little family. you really spend more time with the people from work than anyone else. it was emotional saying goodbye. i know we can try to stay in touch, but it will never be like it was. either way, i am so grateful for knowing them and having the experience.

after work, it was off to celebrate with some delicious indian food at the dosa corner. we feasted. it was fantastic! we got to catch andyman's set at kobo. then to dick's with some friends. eric had bought a couple of patty cake treats, which we enjoyed late night, after the bar. and then off to the first restful sleep...

wednesday january 25- my first day off! i had a slow start. my house is in such a disarray with trying to get rid of things, i literally didn't know where to start. i would pace around my apartment, feeling overwhelmed. i finally got it together.....i got so much done. it felt so good to work hard at things that actually benefit ME directly. i worked all day. the tally for goodwill garbage bags so far: 10.


thursday january 26- OFF TO ST.LOUIS, MO!

basically, i spent all day in the car. i will feature the amazing raw vegan restaurant i ate at last night in the weekend round up, but i do have to say one thing from this day:

go out right now and get this book. i got the audio book from the library and finished the entire thing during my trip to st.louis. i didn't listen to music once, it is that good. i had no idea the level of awesomeness that is tina fey. holy shit she is good.

i will cover the rest of the trip later, but now, i want to go upstairs and cuddle a little baby...

"we like a like to make it in the sunshine, don't care who knows"-jo serrapere

so things are moving forward. the various lists are being updated and crossed off. as usual i am still reeling from an eventful weekend. i can't wait to have a more balanced life with less extremes.

i had a great time on friday night at brothers drake meadery. (http://www.brothersdrake.com/) I got to hear great music from my good friend Andyman Hopkins (http://www.reverbnation.com/andymanhopkins) and some other local heros. despite eric having a gig in chicago, i found some lively dancing partners. great fun. i did some chores on saturday morning, but then it was off to pick up eric from the bus station. i collected my little goat-bear and we went directly to columbus' first 'sexaplooza'. i wish i could write more regarding it, but we weren't that impressed. somehow a conference about sex is hardly sexy. ya know? then on to prepping for the main event of the weekend: the fifth annual chocolate party. it never disappoints.

this year, local val glenn of 'time and temperature' opened the fiesta. check her out http://timeandtemperature.bandcamp.com/ she is fantastic!

the food is always off the hook crazy town. eric nassau's dream cuisine. there is a special buzz in the air i like to refer to as 'chocolate high'. it is real. and it is enjoyable.

so many great people in eric's house. lots of eating and visiting.

then for the lovely 'jo serrapere trio' who came to be with us from deerborn, mi. jo, her partner john, and the luscious laura round out the band. musically wonderful, it is the harmonies that blow your mind. covering many genres, i think they have something for everyone. the room was packed and the audience attentive. every singer/songwriters dream! so glad we could give them that...

it was a magical evening indeed.

then, back to work. the countdown is at a week from this very day. it is starting to hit me today, i feel contaminated with a severe case of senioritis. trying to wrap up my projects, but mainly trying to organize all the details of my real life! the one i am about to start really living. so. excited. with that beginning, i host my first couch surfer tonight!  a seemingly nice young man from kansas. he just so happens to be a traveling musician. surprisingly, eric had nothing to do with this. and i swear, it doesn't even say anything about music on my cs profile. they just find me, ya know?

"free your mind and the rest will follow"-en vogue

just so you know, i will be naming all blog titles after songs. i think blogs are gimmick-y anyway, so this shall be mine.

i hope my previous post is as debbie D as they ever get. i was hesitant about starting this process in that way, but i also want it to be real. there was a lot of anxiety leading up to giving my notice at work. while i have tons of support from the most random people, love and comfort from dear friends...i also have just enough negativity from those that matter most to me to bring me down. i had no idea how important encouragement was at that moment. but then....something amazing happend:

i found all that i needed. on my own.

i also discovered that all really challenging (read: meaningful) things in life must usually be done on your own. i mean, no matter the support from anyone, only i could muster up the courage to tell my boss i was leaving. no one could actually do that for me. in typical ME fashion, i gathered various media to assist me. i watched 'iron jawed angels'...a HBO film about women suffragists. what these women went through was hardly compared to my current worry. their objective was to obtain rights for half the population...mine: completely self-serving. i couldn't help but think though...all their efforts allowed me to obtain a great job, make money (although not as much as the less competent man sitting next to me doing the same job) and then also to leave it to do what is right for me. what is right for me just so happens to be anything that is serving the people. the real people. i think they would be proud. i imagine lucy burns giving me the victorian equivalent of a high five. you go girl.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucy_Burns

i also have been making a 'posi-core' music mix. yes, that means hardcore positive. i heard that once and i knew that it was so ridiculous that i would find a way to use it someday. it is still developing...once it is solid, i will share. i am so captivated by P!NK's "f*cking perfect". i can listen to it over and over. a message we all need: you are perfect to me. someone out there thinks that about YOU. it doesn't even have to by your partner or your family...it could be some total rando who sees you as exactly as they want to be. don't you ever feel less. fuck yea, carey hart's wife.

although there is still so much planning to do...and the contradicting information we continue to get about africa is so exhausting, i feel amazing. i feel so strong. we had our first snow storm yesterday. normally plagued by so much anxiety, heightened while driving a car, i drove home last night in the worst of it at peace. i think once you remove some stress and anxiety is some arenas of your life, it reveals itself in others. i was able to recognize that driving in the snow, however dangerous or scary, really isn't that big of a deal. it is manageable...it's part of life, just do it! small victories, yall!

i feel rejuvenated already. i can't wait for this next chapter of my life. for the first time, i am so excited about what the future holds for me. mostly, i can't wait to share some not-based-out-of-fear, genuine positivity with the world.

for a change.

'this is the day, your life will surely change'-the the

this is the day. 1.10.12.

if i stop to think about it all...a gnarly ball of anxiety forms in the depths of my stomach. sadly, it is not based on my own decision, but a response to the opinions of others regarding my decision. the stress and tension of entertaining everyone else's views on what i should do with my life...i am trying to be polite. however, it is so startling how one can excuse behavior that comes from a place of care and concern. if that is truly how you feel about someone, then those exact emotions should be shown, not masked in judgement. so many of us speak from places of which we are not qualified. since removing television from my life, i can now see how its influence effects peoples daily lives...and mostly in the form of fear. i have fallen prey as well. i used to be so badass...following my heart at all times. then, somewhere, i became a second-guessing, worrying, pessimistic shell of my former self. today, i say: no more.

it takes courage and strength to follow your dreams but mostly, tolerance. tolerance for all those that don't believe that dreams can come true.

i feel empowered. i feel a stronger sense of identity and integrity than ever before. i have spoken for so long, daydreamed and wondered. i have stressed, cried and been underwhelmed. today, i take control of my life. i take control. of what is mine. my right: to be happy.