"I promise to be kind, I promise to start now"--raina rose

i have been meaning to write, but ya know. settling back in. it has had its ups and downs. i must first say how wonderful it was to hear from people that read this. i didn't expect anyone to. if you have seen me, you know that i find this all to be annoying and burdensome. then again, this is my path, right? my journey. eric always asked me 'why do i write this blog?'. what are my intentions? especially when i complain about it. it can be terribly inconvenient. sorry, y'all. but i also have strong feelings of wanting to share this experience. much like so many other blogs i read while preparing to transition to this phase. wow, that sounded so corporate world. basically, i read a lot of shit on the internet while at my job for the last two years. reading blogs was a big part of my day. i guess i thought it would be easier? it is just like one other thing you have to do. now in summer time, that is time away from swimming and picnics and sweaty walks. alas, enough of my complaining. i finally feel interest enough to do this. 

so our next big event in our lives was comfest. this one was an interesting one for me. different, that is. i think i was so fired up for our travels, so inspired by all the really kick ass people i met who actually do shit. i signed up for volunteer shifts while i was on the road.  that means, i signed up for a shift every day of the festival. far more than i have done in the past. i have always enjoyed volunteering, but it was always for only one shift for the entire weekend. i also tried multiple tasks this year, trying some other 'jobs' out. that is what this year is all about! the friday, the 'start' of the fest (they start prepping before, and that is also a shit ton of work. i politely declined that job.) i did a shift in the 'food fairies'…the navy blue shirt, if you must know. i prepped food for other volunteers. i propably made 100 sandwiches. so. many. pb&js. but the best part, was when i was asked to make other sandwiches, various tubs of 'seafood' salad. i completed the tuna fish..hell, i used to eat that shit. but when it got to mystery seafood, with mayonnaise, in this hot, sweaty, tiny kitchen…i finally looked to the middle-aged man working with me to construct these sammys in mass and i said "dude, this is disgusting". he laughed and i told him, i was digging the pb&j's. i am actually a vegan, i don't eat this shit. he shrugged and said he was a vegetarian! we both laughed and slapped mystery goop between two slices of bread. 

comfest is always a sweaty, hazy blur of extreme fatigue, awesome music, lots of plastic-y warm beer, seeing all of your favorite people in this town, getting lost in tiny goodale park when you are racing to see another band and spending far too much time trying to find 'someone'. this year was especially blurry. i mean, i worked. then chased around bands….and eric. he was working the off-ramp after my shift was over. we visited and i wandered. 

stage-hand yellow meets food fairy navy blue

we saw so much music, don't think i can actually name them all. we are now in july, folks. that part has left my brain, that shit has left the building!

despite getting home at who knows when, i rode my bike back to the park the next morning to help out with open-heart creatures because, well, i told mama heidi i would. we had been on the road, so i couldn't learn their new routine, which is badass complete with acro yoga! but i got to help in some small ways. 

the music was awesome!

that is me, planted in the audience with a body puppet.

i hung out with eric for a bit, ran around, ate some food. but then i had to run off to my stint at the bike coral, that is the flaming hot pink shirt, in case you were wondering. whoa. this shit was intense. i ride my bike to the festival every year. i always enjoy and appreciate the bike coral, but i had no idea it was so hard core. if i shall participate again, i may consider doing p90x for 6 months to prepare. what a reminder that you are a total sloth now? this shift wore me out! it was damn hard…physically. running bikes. lift bikes above your head. pulling bikes down above your head. in the heat. i was toast. every minute in there felt like hours and i was relieve when my shift was finally over. at this point, i am totally spent. 

the rest of the evening was kind of a blur, which i think involved an after hours party and meeting up with my friend from nairobi. it is like you use all your reserves for comfest weekend. i was pushing through, until i finally demanded that we bike home and i collapsed into the bed. 

the next morning, we were able to sleep in and start the day sort of slowly. eric had his gig around noon so it was an alright morning with much needed rest. eric had a world class band including joe nebistinsky all the way from philly and local celebs stan smith, megan palmer and josh huber. 

my parents came out, which is always nice…and nerve-wracking! it is like all the characters are out for this one, in full force. so many people to visit, my attentions are always divided. i am sure it only fuels their wacky impression of me. it was nice to spend time with them though. our friends and i wore our eric nassau beard shirts!

we watched more music, drank more beer, walked around, hugged people, ate food. and then i finally got to meet my supposed doppleganger. in fact, while i was working in the food fairies, a friend of ours looked at me directly (who knows who i am) and said 'susan, can i take these pb&j sandwiches?' i just said, sure. then i met susan….and she is adorable…and awesome…and anyone can totally call me 'susan' anytime. no prob.

and their have been so many other things going on, lessons learned, sweaty melt downs, (not to mention crazy storms and heat waves) fear and doubt and a sense of being totally lost, now that my surrounding aren't always changing. however...

i feel as if i am reliving a childhood, of sorts. i feel very child-like right now. i mean, when was the last time you weren't plagued with worry, tied to a million responsibilities and always having obligations? when people just put you in the car and took you to do something fun? it's like  a do-over. school is out for summer. having the childhood i never had. the one where i was better. i live with a 74 year old woman. she is far from a mother figure, but i find myself having consideration for her that i am not always sure i had enough maturity to offer my own mother. and i pick up after myself..and i am sure i probably sucked at that as a kid. i am nice and polite…and unassuming. i am enjoying this less turbulent life. some people could confuse that for boring. i think i always confused turbulence for excitement. and i only realize the difference now. 

i feel like my life used to be set on fast forward…and now i have set it back to 'play'. ya know, just at regular speed. with this adjustment, i have noticed things now. people. nature. interactions. feelings. and it feels good. real good. 

i certainly haven't figure anything out…really. i am not sure what i am doing with my life. but i do know what i am doing right now and that is: riding my bike, with no real place to go, just like i did when i was a kid. with no other reason than, just because. 

and that is all i feel like saying right now.

except that the song lyric, from 'bluebonnets' by the amazing raina rose just explains so much right. is so beautiful. is so perfect. in fact, you should go listen to the whole song. and then buy it. right now. but i will leave you with this:

bluebonnets by raina rose

I promise to be kind
I promise to Start now
I will barter you sorrow for the sun somehow
Anyhow how will we find it in the dark

I will bring you bluebonnets for your table
And babies breath, and babies breath
You won't hear me coming, no you won't see me
But you will know when I've left

I promise to compromise
Even concerning this
I won't read the last page first
And miss the story of it
Morning glory by the fence post
How will we find it in the dark

I'm sorry I broke your heart
I'm sorry I did it from the start
I took it apart
And put it back together
Maybe now your heart will work better

I swear to be solemn
With every secret confessed
Down every dark highway
The wind has the honor to undress
We'll make amends trying to find our way
home in the dark
Ohh, we're just trying
to find it in the dark