"I promise to be kind, I promise to start now"--raina rose

i have been meaning to write, but ya know. settling back in. it has had its ups and downs. i must first say how wonderful it was to hear from people that read this. i didn't expect anyone to. if you have seen me, you know that i find this all to be annoying and burdensome. then again, this is my path, right? my journey. eric always asked me 'why do i write this blog?'. what are my intentions? especially when i complain about it. it can be terribly inconvenient. sorry, y'all. but i also have strong feelings of wanting to share this experience. much like so many other blogs i read while preparing to transition to this phase. wow, that sounded so corporate world. basically, i read a lot of shit on the internet while at my job for the last two years. reading blogs was a big part of my day. i guess i thought it would be easier? it is just like one other thing you have to do. now in summer time, that is time away from swimming and picnics and sweaty walks. alas, enough of my complaining. i finally feel interest enough to do this. 

so our next big event in our lives was comfest. this one was an interesting one for me. different, that is. i think i was so fired up for our travels, so inspired by all the really kick ass people i met who actually do shit. i signed up for volunteer shifts while i was on the road.  that means, i signed up for a shift every day of the festival. far more than i have done in the past. i have always enjoyed volunteering, but it was always for only one shift for the entire weekend. i also tried multiple tasks this year, trying some other 'jobs' out. that is what this year is all about! the friday, the 'start' of the fest (they start prepping before, and that is also a shit ton of work. i politely declined that job.) i did a shift in the 'food fairies'…the navy blue shirt, if you must know. i prepped food for other volunteers. i propably made 100 sandwiches. so. many. pb&js. but the best part, was when i was asked to make other sandwiches, various tubs of 'seafood' salad. i completed the tuna fish..hell, i used to eat that shit. but when it got to mystery seafood, with mayonnaise, in this hot, sweaty, tiny kitchen…i finally looked to the middle-aged man working with me to construct these sammys in mass and i said "dude, this is disgusting". he laughed and i told him, i was digging the pb&j's. i am actually a vegan, i don't eat this shit. he shrugged and said he was a vegetarian! we both laughed and slapped mystery goop between two slices of bread. 

comfest is always a sweaty, hazy blur of extreme fatigue, awesome music, lots of plastic-y warm beer, seeing all of your favorite people in this town, getting lost in tiny goodale park when you are racing to see another band and spending far too much time trying to find 'someone'. this year was especially blurry. i mean, i worked. then chased around bands….and eric. he was working the off-ramp after my shift was over. we visited and i wandered. 

stage-hand yellow meets food fairy navy blue

we saw so much music, don't think i can actually name them all. we are now in july, folks. that part has left my brain, that shit has left the building!

despite getting home at who knows when, i rode my bike back to the park the next morning to help out with open-heart creatures because, well, i told mama heidi i would. we had been on the road, so i couldn't learn their new routine, which is badass complete with acro yoga! but i got to help in some small ways. 

the music was awesome!

that is me, planted in the audience with a body puppet.

i hung out with eric for a bit, ran around, ate some food. but then i had to run off to my stint at the bike coral, that is the flaming hot pink shirt, in case you were wondering. whoa. this shit was intense. i ride my bike to the festival every year. i always enjoy and appreciate the bike coral, but i had no idea it was so hard core. if i shall participate again, i may consider doing p90x for 6 months to prepare. what a reminder that you are a total sloth now? this shift wore me out! it was damn hard…physically. running bikes. lift bikes above your head. pulling bikes down above your head. in the heat. i was toast. every minute in there felt like hours and i was relieve when my shift was finally over. at this point, i am totally spent. 

the rest of the evening was kind of a blur, which i think involved an after hours party and meeting up with my friend from nairobi. it is like you use all your reserves for comfest weekend. i was pushing through, until i finally demanded that we bike home and i collapsed into the bed. 

the next morning, we were able to sleep in and start the day sort of slowly. eric had his gig around noon so it was an alright morning with much needed rest. eric had a world class band including joe nebistinsky all the way from philly and local celebs stan smith, megan palmer and josh huber. 

my parents came out, which is always nice…and nerve-wracking! it is like all the characters are out for this one, in full force. so many people to visit, my attentions are always divided. i am sure it only fuels their wacky impression of me. it was nice to spend time with them though. our friends and i wore our eric nassau beard shirts!

we watched more music, drank more beer, walked around, hugged people, ate food. and then i finally got to meet my supposed doppleganger. in fact, while i was working in the food fairies, a friend of ours looked at me directly (who knows who i am) and said 'susan, can i take these pb&j sandwiches?' i just said, sure. then i met susan….and she is adorable…and awesome…and anyone can totally call me 'susan' anytime. no prob.

and their have been so many other things going on, lessons learned, sweaty melt downs, (not to mention crazy storms and heat waves) fear and doubt and a sense of being totally lost, now that my surrounding aren't always changing. however...

i feel as if i am reliving a childhood, of sorts. i feel very child-like right now. i mean, when was the last time you weren't plagued with worry, tied to a million responsibilities and always having obligations? when people just put you in the car and took you to do something fun? it's like  a do-over. school is out for summer. having the childhood i never had. the one where i was better. i live with a 74 year old woman. she is far from a mother figure, but i find myself having consideration for her that i am not always sure i had enough maturity to offer my own mother. and i pick up after myself..and i am sure i probably sucked at that as a kid. i am nice and polite…and unassuming. i am enjoying this less turbulent life. some people could confuse that for boring. i think i always confused turbulence for excitement. and i only realize the difference now. 

i feel like my life used to be set on fast forward…and now i have set it back to 'play'. ya know, just at regular speed. with this adjustment, i have noticed things now. people. nature. interactions. feelings. and it feels good. real good. 

i certainly haven't figure anything out…really. i am not sure what i am doing with my life. but i do know what i am doing right now and that is: riding my bike, with no real place to go, just like i did when i was a kid. with no other reason than, just because. 

and that is all i feel like saying right now.

except that the song lyric, from 'bluebonnets' by the amazing raina rose just explains so much right. is so beautiful. is so perfect. in fact, you should go listen to the whole song. and then buy it. right now. but i will leave you with this:

bluebonnets by raina rose

I promise to be kind
I promise to Start now
I will barter you sorrow for the sun somehow
Anyhow how will we find it in the dark

I will bring you bluebonnets for your table
And babies breath, and babies breath
You won't hear me coming, no you won't see me
But you will know when I've left

I promise to compromise
Even concerning this
I won't read the last page first
And miss the story of it
Morning glory by the fence post
How will we find it in the dark

I'm sorry I broke your heart
I'm sorry I did it from the start
I took it apart
And put it back together
Maybe now your heart will work better

I swear to be solemn
With every secret confessed
Down every dark highway
The wind has the honor to undress
We'll make amends trying to find our way
home in the dark
Ohh, we're just trying
to find it in the dark

"I would like to be a simple man I'd buy me a farm and live off the land"--lenny kravitz

visiting the dancing rabbit has been a long time dream of mine. i was first exposed to this intentional community when i was really interested in morgan spur lock's work after watching 'super size me'. he later worked on a project called '30 days' where he explored more things for a months time. i also engaged in viewing his work when he documented 'life on minimum wage', which was filmed in columbus, ohio. i found the program to be interesting, so i continued to watch other segments. shortly after the one about columbus, their was one titled 'living off the grid' which was filmed at dancing rabbit. i immediately became interested in this echo village, despite the editing. let it be known and much like so many other factors of life, after having experienced different things, i in fact have different opinions than before. i too would have thought a lot of ideas were 'far out there, hippie shit' or containing overwhelming cult-like qualities. i think that is how so many people live their lives: they familiar with the little that they know, which has shaped their opinions of all things they have never experienced. i have found now my stand is far more simple: if you are not hurting anyone/anything (including yourself) then who i am to judge? anyway…

i signed up to receive the newsletter from dancing rabbit (DR) shortly after watching the show. i often read the news from the village in my cubicle, daydreaming of the life i could have there. it always provided some sort of hope for me, like if nothing else worked out, i could always have this option. the concept, something i often dream of, i have now realized even clearer is my ultimate goal out of life. we tend to spend so much of our time on outside factors, like: you spend a million hours working a job that serves someone else, when you could put all that time into yourself and your community. i have always liked the idea of working to live and not much else. like you would work to build your own home, you would work in your garden to feed yourself, you would work with your peers to build relationships, ect. all this work goes into LIVING your life as opposed to always planning for it. these notions would take so many things we worry about (mainly, money) out of the equation. not entirely, but it would be less of the focus of your daily activities. i am so grateful that my visit to DR only reassured me that there are places in this world where my dream could become a reality.

it was a bit of a drive from kansas city. open spaces, hilly country roads with little civilization. this visit was serendipitous. i had looked into visiting DR before and had some more challenges, but this time, i received a cute email from a resident named cob, who agreed to house us. i had asked for permission to camp on the property, but cob offered us a place to stay inside his home. we wanted to go to the public tour that was held on saturday, but it would be a long drive to just go for a couple hour tour? so this worked out great. it was a little challenging finding DR as it really is in the middle of nowhere, but we eventually made it.

cob was waiting for us on a porch swing, which was nice because as i was walking into the village i felt like it was the first day of school or something. nervous!!!! i feel like showing some picture would be invasive, although these folks have agreed to be more or less in a fish bowl. a big part of their mission is outreach, so i know they wouldn't mind, but i guess i do? we didn't take that many pictures anyway as were trying to live in the moment and my brain was on fire most of the time.

we greet cob and he instantly begins showing us around. this place is magical.

this was a beautifully rehabbed school bus! 

a tender moment with a father and his daughter, watching the sunset

a pond where some of the gray water is drained into to

i loved the sheep. i was a little disturbed when cob told me one of them was going to be his (as in he was going to eat them) but it was kind of refreshing to learn that despite what the show made it look like, not everyone here is vegan or even vegetalrian. i think that is what struck me most about DR and probably what is making it work so well: to each his own. they have lots of room for individuality and freedoms to your own life. you can be as involved or as removed from the community as you want. i think we both just assumed their would be all these regulations and there really weren't.

as we toured the village, it represented that freedom. some homes appeared to be very conventional looking, although one the few regulations are to have sustainable materials. even still, they looked like any types of homes you are familiar with. others were less polished. either way, it was nice to see you could do whatever you wanted. some of the structures were so amazing, with creative details.

i think some people have an assumption that ecco building has to be ugly or unpolished, just not true! it actually requires a lot of pre-planning, like this is where a book shelf will go:

we did the friday circle with the village and had a meal made at cob's family home, thistledown. we ate in the common house. after dinner we played a soccer game which was so fun for me. i hadn't realized how much i missed the game. after the game, we walked around a bit. we had a great conversation with marqis on the porch swing. i can only imagine that this was one of many examples where you could learn so much from people in this village. marqis had been living in/around/at various intentional communities for years, this was one man with all the resources one would need! 

we had a nice sleep (after we dismantled the coo coo clock) and woke in the morning to a lovely breakfast of blueberry pancakes and sausage of the pork and soy varieties. we chatted a bit with morgan, the oldest of the children living at DR at age 17. first of all, talking to some of these children, at least the teenaged ones was kind of disturbing. just because it is hard to believe their age! they speak with such poise and confidence, so much more familiar with interacting with adults than perhaps other children. morgan informed us that he, much like most 17 year olds, can't wait to get out of there. he wants to go to MIT. that is right all judgmental people, kids at hippie communes end up going to MIT. eat that! after breakfast, we agreed to help with the emptying of the humanure buckets. nicknamed: humi. i told cob i wanted to be involved as i knew that was a big part of the community. they have all composting toilets. eric and i load up a cart of about 3 weeks worth of shit from his families home. now, the thing i will say about this experience:  i wouldn't let 3 weeks worth of shit pile up. festering. i mean, dumping a couple buckets, no probs. but 8? for first timers like us, it was pretty gnarly. cob having changed the diapers of 3 boys was a total professional. 

i kept reminding eric to breath through his mouth as i was trying to do. as soon as he cleared his throat, i knew it was over. i am sure vomitting while doing a humi rotation is pretty common. all a part of the fun folks!

we then taught everyone we could find the dance video, our largest to date at nine people! we then took another naked dip in the swimming pond. man, there is nothing better than swimming naked! i feel so proud of my growth, i wasn't insecure at all by being naked in front of strangers. there is something about having security with your body and when others do too, it just seems to help. totally liberating! eric became a naked mud monster! a guy on the other side of the pond, swimming with his naked children was covering himself in mud. eric saw this and quickly said 'i want to do that!'. he swam over to the other side. you know people are cool when you are putting mud on your naked body and the guy says 'do you want me to get you back?'. two men putting mud on each other is an amazing sight to be seen!

a censored picture, of course

it really is too hard to describe the short visit to dancing rabbit…i can only suggest you go visit yourself. it is totally inspiring and fills you with hope. if you ever wonder how you will ever afford to buy a house, start your business or fulfill your dream, a visit to this magical place can rejuvenate you! return to being a believer! all things are possible.

that is a solar oven right there!

we say our goodbyes to the rabbits and head to st.louis for what is becoming the usual gig at pop's blue moon. this gig is always nice, filled with super fans who sing all of eric's song. st. louis has become such great stop for us, both of us having great friends there. we get into town and head directly to Pi Pizzeria, which i had read about on veganasauras as having vegan deep dish pizza! (you could say i am on a bit of a pizza bender?) i am pretty used to getting a pizza sans cheese, but when there are options, i am always down to try. well, this was kind of a disaster. our waitress might have been the most miserable person ever. trust me, i get it, you hate your job, but why do you have to take us all down with you? shit girl, move on. anyway...turns out, according to cranky-britches, you have to call ahead so they can NOT put butter on the deep dish pan. riiiiight. ok, so i got a thin crust pizza with vegetables and daiya cheese. (oh my god, they have daiya! )

we are having a lovely catch up with the always generous and amazing, colin and emily. the pizzas finally arrive and i get to watch as they enjoy their rad deep dish pizza, but whatevs. i take a bite of my pizza and.....weird. this doesn't taste like daiya? i eat an entire slice with cheese! i don't really care, i am not one of those militant, gives-it-all-a-bad-name kind of vegans, but really Pi pizzeria? that is bullshit. i tell snotty waitress chick, um is this real cheese? she was actually sympathetic. rolling her eyes, she takes my dairy pizza away. she says as someone who doesn't eat dairy that she is really sorry. the others eat while i just sit there. the owner (or someone else returns with my vegan pizza) and says how sorry he is and that the pizza is on them. well of course it is, biotch! i mumbled, well it is a good thing i am not dead. i mean, really folks, get it together. there are peeps with allergies out there. ok, my rant is done.

we head to pops for the gig. slowly, all our friends trickle in. it is so great to see my bestest absolute, jessica. after all the challenges of the road, something about being around her, just makes me feel better. all the other pics are dark...but we did set up the st.louis ninja coalition:

i went back with jessica while eric went back with colin and emily. i wanted to spend as much time with j as possible and like we have discovered, we do need our own time! the next morning, i spent it joyfully watching chase. i am not sure if it is just because it is my best friends child or he is just that awesome, but i am totally content at watching this little creature look at the world.

we hang out and catch up. we then go to colin and emily's house for a cookout. it is so nice again to see all our friends come together.

little man chase and his awesome mama!

we have delicious food and great conversation. my love affair with wee chase continues....

i am sure i have said it before, but there really isn't anything quite like a backyard bbq with some friends. so simple and so enjoyable. it is always only us that makes things complex.

luke, in the nassau beard shirt and jill with baby lillian in her shirt!

colin reading to us about distraction. we are all convinced we have ADD

jessica, relating.

it was such a lovely time. we say our goodbyes and eric and i return to wentzville to stay with jessica, sammy and chase. we relax on the back porch for the rest of the evening. while the huddz go off to work, eric and i got to sleep in an have a relaxing morning. we had intentions of going to the sculpture gardens, but it was rather dreary outside, so we opted to re-watch the 30 days show about dancing rabbit to see all the people we have met. we then head over to luke and jill's house, where  we had another great cook out. we visit with them and work on the blog while the boys play some flux. a restful nights sleep and we head off in the morning for our voyage back to columbus. 

i will settle back into life in c-bus, regroup and then i would like to summarize all that i have learned on the trip in the next post. those that have seen me have heard how maintaining this blog on the road has been rather difficult. it will be interesting to see if that changes once i am home.

as always, thanks for reading. cheers!

"you got a fast car, is it fast enough so we can fly away?"--tracy chapman

on to colorado! brace yourself for this post! we crammed a whole lot of shit into our visit here. 

we make our way to boulder, immediately into the woods to meet up with friends jeff, amanda and their kids for some camping. we are told to go to camp tahosa, right by a boy scout camp. swirling through back dirt roads, eric decides to stop at the boy scout camp to get more information on where we might find another camping location. when i tell the story, this is where eric joins the boy scouts, holding the three fingers upward. it was really a big production, i guess the boy scouts are pretty serious in colorado. we trek on further, eventually finding a large group of young people  with children complete with dogs which left the total to be, say 15? 15 dogs on the premises…

the evening comes fast in the woods, considering our late arrival. with a current fire ban in place,  we all huddled in a somewhat enclosed tent to shield the wind and swap songs. some damn fine pickers in attendance. fun was had all around. a good nights sleep in the cool mountain air. the next morning included lots of play time for the children…

also now in the daylight, the admiration of fellow guild guitar owners!

we throw some football around, see what people look like in the day time and pack up or things. on our way out, we drive through the sort of creepy, mountain town of ward, colorado. 

we head to nederlands, which everyone affectionately calls 'ned' to meet up with eric's childhood friend from connecticut. todd and his wife, allie come from longmont, to meet us in ned at their friend, jeremy's restaurant: savory. i have the most amazing beet juice bloddy mary. could be my new favorite thing!

todd and allie are both so enjoyable. it is wonderful to watch people catch up after 22 years of NOT seeing one another. these are the times of magic.

after a delicious meal, they take us to the hessie trail nearby.

it is really beautiful and just like so much of western hiking, elevated!!!

i have said it before, but you must be a fitness ninja in these parts. i notice the altitude right way while i am hiking. i understand why athletes train here! that shit is no joke.

we find an old truck in the woods and decide instantly that one thing must happen immediately: photoshoot!

we return to the trail head to watch some badasses drive through a river:

we go back to ned to go to the carousel of happiness. a wonderful place that shows one mans life's work as he hand carved every animal on this carousel. it is beautiful and magical…and so much fun!

i had a hard time selecting my animal, as they were all so fantastic. i went with the donkey with baskets of monkeys.

eric selected the peacock (whats up pants??) he sure does look cute!

this man is clearly, super talented. what a treat this was!

we say our goodbyes to todd and allie and make our way to aurora, colorado.

off we go to meet up with our most wonderful friend, jamie wilson, aka: whams, jams, wammie. we go to the home of her mother, the firecracker known as maxine. maxine has a distinctly eastern texas accent, complete with spunk and sass. she is awesome and so welcoming. we finally get a shower and in the nicest shower i have ever stepped foot in, no less. just picture your ideal shower space, this was it. we visit for a bit and then go out for mexican food. we meet up with wamz' friend from high school, gabby and it is margarita time! margaritas always have the same outcome for me…i will let you use your imagination on that one. we return to jams for a little pool session.

i was that perfect mix of drunk where i was actually alright at pool.

the next morning, we wake up and have a little jam session. i mean, whams and eric had a jam session and maxine and i admired from the wings…

we shoot some dance videos and send jamie off to work at horse camp. we drive down the way in aurora to see my dear friend michelle, who i haven't seen in five years! she is just as lovely as i remembered. we worked together (at the gates of hell!) at my first job out of college. it was so crazy to see annabel as a little girl and not as the baby i remembered. i was her first babysitter!! it was so nice to meet the newest addition, alex!

and what a sweet and happy baby he is!

while michelle and i catch up, annabel and eric make faces:

we hang out in the backyard and remember funny stories of our former wild ways. i also got to see my old friend, coco! we used to howl together on the kitchen floor late at night. 

ahhhh, i just love chelle. it is so nice to visit with her and her children and cute doggies.

such a sweet little girl!

annabel and daisy!

we say our goodbyes and head back to denver to see amanda and jeff and fam once again. we got to meet the most amazing 16-year old lady, eva. i can't say enough about how awesome this young woman is…if it were up to me, i would use her as an example of how healthy organic food and open minded parents can make the perfect human, but i am sure that is not up to me, right? we all get together and the whole family plays a great game: 'luck of the draw'

now we played a lot of flux in california, but this game is pretty hilarious!

we make what has become a ritual to me: going to the local REI store. we head out with the youngest, sage. i got intro into a challenge of parenthood: how could you say no to this face? the cutest! 

denver is awesome! 

we then head over to little man ice cream. clearly, a popular spot. there was a pretty long line!

the next morning, we fulfill some of eric's dreams of going to the bronco's stadium.

this was not on my list of things to do in denver, but really, the amount of vegan restaurants i have dragged this guy to, it only seemed fair. it was also fun to dress him up in ridiculous football gear.

i was less amused with dressing up in ridiculous football gear.

all in all, it wasn't too painful. we took lots of pic of these broncos….

we set off to ride our bikes around downtown. we visit some park areas a bit, the bike trails are awesome! we head over to watercourse, a veg restaurant that had been highly recommended to me at any chance i mentioned my vegan diet. i am glad they did, this place was great!

i got vegan nachos and this amazing vegan creme brûlée. finally!!!!

we then go to the mountain sun brewery to meet up with some peeps. now this might have been one of the most amazing nights of  my life. we all meet each other and chat over some beers. (note: i mean I AM meeting peeps, these are all eric's friends)

this is what eric nassau does best: bringing people together!

eric and lea!

this man, gus, would later take us to his studio and play us amazing analog recordings of joni mitchell, the who, pink floyd and elephant revival. he is doing amazing and very important work. audio pioneer is right! check out this article on gus: 

i got to get to know matt and terry on my end of the table. these guys are great!

this part of the night is indescribable. all i can say, i am having the time of my life!

neil young lyrics!

we then make the long trek to kansas city, missouri. it was a long day in a hot van with a non-working air-conditioning. i was also really bummed out by a nasty email i received. despite all the personal growth i have made, i am not sure if disappointment from loved-ones ever gets easier...

we show up at the home of mikal shapiro, who is beautiful in all ways. i am always amazed by eric and those brave souls who choose 'musician' as their occupation. this shit is hard. it was such an exhausting day, i can't imagine performing in front of people after the day we had.

always a professional...

it turns out, i couldn't do much more than eat watermelon and sit my by myself. i was so tired…and exhausted with socializing. no offense KC, i was just really spent.

mikal is such a great performer…and a reporter from the kansas city star was there! hey dude!

joel kraft also played, a nice fella from portland, oregon.

if you guys aren't familiar with house concerts, try to get to know people in you local music community or set one up yourself. it is an amazing listening experience.

then later in the evening, everyone became a musician. it is these experiences that is what it is all about. you can't get this at the local, self-involved music venue…

after a wonderful, restful nights sleep, we go to the mudpie for brunch. this place is wonderful. an all vegan coffee house, yes, in missouri! radtastic.

we got some cupcakes and a cheddar herb scone, all of which were delish!

kasey rausch, another great nassau beard shirt model!

kansas city, albeit brief, was great. onto rutledge, mo to make my dream come true: visiting the dancing rabbit echo village. woot!